10. Two Seasonal Shorts

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS – ASJ FANFIC STYLE – from Calico

On the first day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the second day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the third day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the fourth day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the fifth day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: five pa-at hands,
Four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the sixth day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: six safes a-sinkin’
Five pa-at hands, (five hands and…)
Four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the seventh day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: seven Wheats a-blinkin’
Six safes a-sinkin’
Five pa-at hands, (five hands and…)
Four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the eighth day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: eight Kyles a-stinkin’
Seven Wheats a-blinkin’
Six safes a-sinkin’
Five pa-at hands, (five hands and…)
Four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the ninth day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: nine floozies winkin’
Eight Kyles a-stinkin’
Seven Wheats a-blinkin’
Six safes a-sinkin’
Five pa-at hands, (five hands and…)
Four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the tenth day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: ten Gov’nors still thinkin’
Nine floozies winkin’
Eight Kyles a-stinkin’
Seven Wheats a-blinkin’
Six safes a-sinkin’
Five pa-at hands, (five hands and…)
Four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the eleventh day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: eleven jail keys clinkin’
Ten Gov’nors still thinkin’
Nine floozies winkin’
Eight Kyles a-stinkin’
Seven Wheats a-blinkin’
Six safes a-sinkin’
Five pa-at hands, (five hands and…)
Four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

On the twelfth day of Christmas a fanfic writer wrote for me: twelve Sheriffs with no inkling,
Eleven jail keys clinkin’
Ten Gov’nors still thinkin’
Nine floozies winkin’
Eight Kyles a-stinkin’
Seven Wheats a-blinkin’
Six safes a-sinkin’
Five pa-at hands, (five hands and…)
Four twirling guns,
Three tub scenes,
Two trademark hats,
And ex-outlaws tryin’ to stay free.

—oooOOOooo— —oooOOOooo— —oooOOOooo—

A FANFIC WRITER’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS… from Calico

1) Have the boys get hurt more often.
2) Have the boys get nekkid more often.
3) Hey! Have the boys get hurt WHILE nekkid!
4) Investigate possible steam burn injuries while nekkid in saunas…
5) Investigate possible piranha nibble injuries while swimming nekkid…
6) Investigate possible sprained toe injuries from reaching for washcloths while nekkid in tubs…
7) Make even more use of ‘Whatshisname’ and ‘The other fella’ joke. Twice a story is simply not enough!
8) Make even more use of innuendo. (“What’s innuendo, Heyes?” “Isn’t nothing in MY end-o, Kid!”)
9) Include more orphans. And cute puppies. And winsome kittens.
10) Include more and more villainous villains! More dumb and dumber henchmen! More use of the phrase ‘Muhahaha!’
11) Each and every villain to be given a speech commencing: “I could keeeeell you now, Meester ‘Eyes, but that vould be too eeeeeasy!”
12) Investigate where the Sam Hill this villain’s accent comes from!
13) Finally get the boys to visit England! Specifically – get the boys to visit the Midlands. Nekkid. Nekkid and carrying plenty of chilled champagne. (Hey, it’s fiction – why stint myself?!)
14) Before getting boys to England, remember to send my Floozy outfit to be dry-cleaned. (Who said WHICH floozy outfit??!!)
15) Remember to get feathers fluffed.
16) Give Heyes a penchant for older women.
17) Fish out dictionary/thesaurus from cat basket and check ‘penchant’ means what I think it does.
18) After he’s finished his penchant, give Heyes a fondness, an inclination, a partiality, a predilection, a proclivity and a taste for older women.
19) Give Heyes a chance to get his breath back.
20) Give Heyes a… (CENSORED!)

—oooOOOooo— —oooOOOooo— —oooOOOooo—

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