10. Much Ado About Robbing

No copyright infringments – nor indeed anything serious – intended!

Much Ado about Robbing Or The Blaming of the Two

By Calico

—oooOOOooo—

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

HANNIBAL HEYES an ex-outlaw; formerly leader of the Devil’s Hole Gang

KID CURRY the like

THE GOVERNOR OF WYOMING

FIRST VILLAIN a villainous outlaw

SECOND VILLAIN the like

THIRD VILLAIN the like

KYLE MURTRY a clownish outlaw

HANK the like

CONDUCTOR

BOY a cute freckle faced, tousle-haired, kid.

MARY-SUE a sappy young maiden niece to the Governor

—oooOOOooo—

ACT ONE SCENE I. …An open place.

(Thunder and lightning.)

Enter: THREE VILLAINS.

First Villain:
. When shall we three rob the train? In all this pelting goddamn rain?

Second Villain:
. When the payroll loading’s done. When each of us has checked his gun!

Third Villain:
. That will be – ’bout half past one.

First Villain:
. Where the place?

Second Villain:
. Beyond the creek.

Third Villain:
. To steal and blow – a Brooker safe!

All:
. We are villains – an’ don’t play fair.
We’ll blame Heyes an’ Curry – though they ain’t there!

(Villains vanish in a flurry of hoof beats)

—oooOOOooo—

SCENE II …A station platform.

Enter: HANNIBAL HEYES alias JOSHUA SMITH,
KID CURRY alias THADDEUS JONES (proddy)

Heyes:
. So fair and foul a day I have not seen.
How far is it called to Brimstone?

(A beat.)

. In truth I know not why thou art so proddy!
Let now me remedy thy discontent
With all the glory of my silver tongue.
All clouds that lower ‘pon thy frowning brow,
Be by my ceaseless eloquence, cast aside.
Our wicked, outlaw ways we have foresworn
And, trusting Lom, bide we for amnesty,
Which we do seek to earn by honest play.
Still ride we on in hope – save I have sold our
Horses and pledged our gear, in hope of gain,
Which ploy did fail, when thou did’st spy a Sheriff
Who, as thou know’st, remembers well MY visage.
Despite all this – look up and smile, dear Kid.
For – by my silvered hat – we still have bags
And in their roomy depths we carry suits,
In which to caper nimbly in a lady’s chamber.
For, by my troth, we both are fair of face;
And you – my partner dear – are most lascivious;
Apt to frolic with a wanton, in a tub of foam.
Be of good cheer! Tomorrow is another day.
My wits are sharp – my plans they will prevail!
For what is a man? What has he got?
If not himself, then he has not!
Through it all, let us stand tall, and do it my way!

Curry:
. Sheesh!

(Exeunt)

—oooOOOooo—

ACT TWO

SCENE I … A railway carriage.

Enter: HANNIBAL HEYES alias JOSHUA SMITH,
KID CURRY alias THADDEUS JONES

THE GOVERNOR OF WYOMING

MARY SUE, his niece

Mary Sue:
. Good uncle, dearest Sir, I beg thee tell me,
If thou know’st, Yon’ youth – with curls of gold
And eyes of cornflower blue. His name I pray?
His shapely leg – it does delight mine eye.
How much I long to touch his neck or hand,
His foot Mercurial, or his Martial thigh,
The brawns of Hercules!
Oh me! Oh my!

Governor:
. Sweet niece, as doth become thy chastity,
Avert thine gaze. I know him well,
Though never has he seen MY face.
This, by the stealth of one good honest man,
Of whom, most often, hast thou heard me speak.
I mean, Lom Trevors, now of honour bright,
Though once besmirched by crimes as black as night.
That youth’s Kid Curry! He of long reproach!
An outlaw – wanted sore about this state.
Though I – renowned for mercy – may, for grace,
Grant amnesty, yet still, that day’s far off.
Till then he bideth never in one place.
With his friend – he rideth through the land,
Avoiding capture, by his wit and skill,
Biding patiently, upon my will.
If any him do capture – then he’s sold!
For many barons, of rich rail, pledge gold,
To trap Kid Curry. Dear niece, heed me!
Look elsewhere for love – he’s not for thee!

Mary Sue: (aside) .
. Ah me! Alack the day!
A thief and wanted by the law!
This news, too late for me – poor foolish maid,
Mine eyes are ravished by his face. Oh Kid!
My heart is thine – just name the time and place!

Heyes:
. I prithee, partner, as thou hopes to thrive,
Do not turn round! But keep thy gaze on me.
For yonder is a maiden, passing fair;
And clear it is – she has her eye on thee!
Oh she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night
As a rich jewel stashed, steeled in safe.
Kid do not turn!
Do not turn round!
For heaven knows thou art susceptible,
Apt to fall for maidens’ charms!
Five minutes later she’ll be in your arms,
Which as thou know’st – leads on to trouble!
As thou hopest t’escape the hook,
Be guided Kid! Don’t even look.

(Kid Curry looks around – sees Mary-Sue.)

Curry: . Carrumba!!!

(Exeunt)

—oooOOOooo—

SCENE II A railway siding

Enter: KYLE MURTRY – carrying a pig’s bladder on a stick

HANK

Kyle:
. By my troth – which as thou know’st – I have not; ’tis a wearisome thing to act as comic relief. Here I chew my baccy, twixt my crooked teeth! Oft times, I spit! Else cry, ‘Aww Wheat!’ My clothes are rags, my scenes are few. And those I have delivered in an accent most askew. What’s more – I do not even speak blank verse, but am consigned to this close prose. Which any fool knows, means I am not a hero, nor noble neither. But churlish, low, reviled – unlikely ever to get the girl.

(Hits Hank with pig’s bladder)

. What is more – as well as having glamour none; I now cannot even raise a laugh! For sure it is – no Elizabethan fool ever got a good line. My puns will grate, my topical stuff be ’bout four hundred years too late.

(Hits Hank with pig’s bladder)

. Thou – my scruffy friend; thou caitiff, knave, thou sot – know’st thou fool, we have no part in this plot? We do but fill out a space – and liable are to be edited when advertisements must be shown. Worse than all – I fear me much, that thou and I must sing. A ditty void of cheer or rhyme. I’ll begin it:

(Song)

Hey ho! Hey nonny nonny ho!
Hey nonny nonny!
Ho No!

(Hits Hank with pig’s bladder.)

Hank: (proddy)
. Quit it Kyle – or I’ll flatten ya!

(Exeunt.)

—oooOOOooo—

SCENE III …A water tower by the side of the track.

Enter: MARY SUE, the governor’s niece

KID CURRY alias THADDEUS JONES

(Mary Sue climbs the water tower.)

Mary Sue:
. Oh, Kid, Kid – wherefore art thou outlawed?
Deny thy calling – and refuse to steal;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be respectable.
Thou hast all charms, belonging to a man.
To me, thy form and smile are sweet delight.
Your hat’s so cute, your gun belt suits
Your slim young hips. And when away you strut,
Beshrew mine eyes – the front is good, but oh that butt!
I drool for thee – I burn – I ache!
Kid, kiss me now, for pity’s sake!

Curry: (climbing)
. Pucker up, honey!

(Exeunt.)

—oooOOOooo—

ACT THREE

SCENE I …Beside the track – beyond the creek.

Enter: THREE VILLAINS.

First Villain:
. Muhaha!

Second Villain:
. Muhaha!

Third Villain:
. Muhaha!

All:
. Muhaha! Muhahahahahaah!!

(Exeunt.)

—oooOOOooo—

SCENE II …A private carriage.

(A curtain is drawn aside discovering:)

HANNIBAL HEYES in a bathtub.

Heyes:
. To bathe or not to bathe, now there’s a question!
Whether it is nobler to let women suffer,
Or bare my naked arms and legs, take refuge
In this tub of bubbles – and by exposing – please ’em?
My hands, so fine and deft do rub the soap
Upon this manly chest. Ev’ry watching,
Lustful eye stares, rapt, at the water’s depths.
Foul curses rain upon this lush, dense foam,
And every reader now agog – cries out,
“You know, too well our yearning, aching need,
Smile and dimple, Heyes, we beg, we plead!
We long to stroke your hair – so silky soft!
For Pete’s sake! Rise! Stretch your arms aloft!
Gaze at us with those dark, brooding eyes!
Let water flow down smooth, well-muscled thighs”
Dear ladies, I have all too short a stay,
Only one tub – and the Kidettes need to play!
My partner will claim this bath – be sure of that!
And I my – dignity – will cover with a hat!

Enter: KID CURRY – wrapped in a small towel.

Curry:
. Time’s up!

(Exeunt.)

—oooOOOooo—

ACT FOUR

SCENE I …A railway carriage.

Enter: HANNIBAL HEYES alias JOSHUA SMITH,

KID CURRY alias THADDEUS JONES

THE GOVERNOR OF WYOMING

MARY SUE, his niece

(Alarums)

Enter: A CONDUCTOR

Conductor:
. All lost! All lost! Alack! To prayers, to prayers!
Villains have o’erthrown the train! E’en now they
Plan to blow the payroll safe! The fuse is set!
Alas, alack the day!

Governor:
. I charge thee – if thou know’st it – then speak truth!
Did these villains give a name?

Conductor:
. By my whistle and by my flag, they did!
The first – he glowered as he spake. His brows

Drawn down, visage fearful to behold!
“Tremble in thy boots!” he said – “This train is

Hostage to none other than”

All:
. Yes?

Conductor:
. Hannibal Heyes – as he did swear.
Curry too – of fleet fast draws, feared famously!
The third – he did not give a name – but laughed,
And cackled, “Muhaha!
Alack, alack the day!

(Exit Conductor – with alarum)

Heyes:
. By yonder sun – the rogue swears falsely!

Curry:
. Huh?

Governor:
. Now, by my watch chain, gold and bright! ‘Tis time

To throw off all disguise! Know then – of fair

Wyoming, where we lay our scene,
Am I the Governor, all supreme!
I know’st that THOU, of chocolate eyes, art Heyes!
Reformed – and seeking to go straight! And thou,
Who has bewitched my niece’s eyes, Kid Curry!
Art thou not surprised?

Heyes: (kneels) .
Good sir, we are! And bound to serve your state!

Curry:
. Huh?

Governor:
. My trusty rogues! Stand tall – and say – if thou

Can’st save this train? Can’st save the day?

Heyes:
. My lord! We can! I with my ready wit.
Kid with his gun – which he can twirl a bit!

Mary Sue:
. Ah me! My love is like a steadfast rock!
His silence moves me more than eloquence!
See – my hero is a cougar, tensed to spring!

Curry:
. Uh huh.

(Exeunt.)

—oooOOOooo—

SCENE II …A second railway carriage.

Enter: BOY

(Alarums. Alarums. More alarums.)

Enter: KID CURRY

(Flourishes. Flourishes again. Flourishes a third time.)

Boy:
. Ain’t no one that fast!

(Flourishes. Exeunt)

—oooOOOooo—

ACT FIVE

SCENE I …The freight car.

Enter – at one door: …THREE VILLAINS.
Enter – at another door: .HANNIBAL HEYES

First villain:
. Do you twirl your gun at us, Sir?

Second villain: (aside – to First villain)
. Aye! Quarrel – I’ll back thee!

First villain:
. I ask again – do you twirl your gun at us, Sir?

Heyes:
. I do not twirl my gun at YOU, Sir!

First villain:
. Uh huh?

Heyes:
. But I DO twirl my gun, Sir!

First villain:
. Do you quarrel, Sir!

Heyes:
. Quarrel, Sir! No Sir! I’m a peaceable man.
But Sir, I will relieve you of that fuse!

Second and Third Villain:
. You and whose army?

Enter – behind: KID CURRY

Heyes:
. Methinks you do protest too much!

(Flourishes. Alarums. Retreat.)

First Villain:
. We are undone!

Second and Third Villain:
. Ain’t no one that fast!

(Flourishes. Exeunt)

—oooOOOooo—

SCENE II …A station platform.

Enter: HANNIBAL HEYES

KID CURRY

THE GOVERNOR OF WYOMING

MARY SUE, his niece

Governor:
. O, worthiest outlaws! Dear Heyes and Kid,
The sin of my ingratitude – even now
Is heavy upon me. Thou art so far before
That swiftest wing of recompense is slow
To overtake thee. Would thou had’st less deserved,
That the proportion both of thanks and payment
Might have been mine! Only I have left to say,
More is thy due, than more than all can pay.

Heyes:
. Worth an amnesty, thinkest thou?

Governor:
. Nope. Sorry.

Mary Sue:
. Wilt thou be gone? We’ve not had a day!
Therefore stay yet; thou need’st not depart.
Ah me! I see by thy looks – thou means to leave.
I will think of thee every day in every hour!
For in a minute there are many days.
Oh, by this count, I shall be much in years
Ere I cease to dream of thee, Kid Curry!
Sweeting, think’st thou we shall ever meet again?

(Kid Curry shrugs)

Goodbye, goodbye! Parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say goodbye, till it be morrow.

Curry:
. Pucker up, honey!

(Exeunt)

—oooOOOooo—

EPILOGUE

Enter: HANNIBAL HEYES

Heyes:
. Now I will sit upon the ground

And tell sad stories of the fate of outlaws:
How we are filled as full of holes as a Swiss cheese!

How often are our shirts ripped off?
Our ribs are cracked, and into cells we’re thrown!
All this by maids who claim to love us well!
And wish to praise our lives, with fanfic tales!
Hurt, comfort, peril, direst jeopardy!
Methinks – I’m glad they find me sweet to view!
If they didn’t like me – then what would they do?

Enter: KID CURRY

Curry: (rolling eyes)
. Sheesh!

(Curtain.)

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